Thursday, 22 June 2017

Some Days are Just Shit

I've read a lot of parenting blogs recently and I have beef. Big beef.

They all seem to be full of anecdotal, funny-but-relateable scenarios where we all want to loose our shit with out little darlings but don't because we have some sort of epiphany about how it all doesn't really matter and these are the best days of our lives so lets treasure them while we can.

Well you know what? Bollocks. Some days are just shit.

There, I said it.

Don't get me wrong, some days I wake up and I'm so grateful for my little darlings, my other half and my cat. Some days I hear the birds sing and light floods my bedroom to awaken me from my restful slumber, and I'm happy- happy as can be! I spend the day singing to my baby and answering questions about the universe to my child. I'm happy to do all the cleaning, the laundry and general housework while my other half curls up in the corner with a bad cold. I don't mind answering the same question 50 odd times to my biggest little darling. I'm happy to hear my mothers most recent tales of her expensive trip abroad and how my married friends are all celebrating their anniversaries this year with a new eternity ring! It's wonderful, oh so wonderful!

Other days I am rudely awaken at 6am by a wailing baby, from a slumber I've barely gotten into and can now barely get out of. My eyes are literally glued shut and there is no bird song outside because even the dam birds aren't awake yet. Some how, with some sort of inner sonar system, I manage to navigate the stairs and make a bottle to feed to the wailing child while my other half sleeps on, seemingly peacefully and I wrestle with the urge to throttle him in his sleep (seriously, is he fucking deaf?)

These are the bad days. The days where I am sleep deprived and angry. I'm angry because I had no sleep. I had no sleep because I was either busy sorting out everyone else- making bottles and sterilizing equipment and soothing boo boos and reminding children bed time means no shouting or jumping on your bed, or because I wasn't able to sleep because of the heat or because my mind didn't feel like letting me. I feel alone, like no one cares for me, cares about me. Everyone expects too much of me, I am one person and surely one person cannot possibly manage all this?

And then when I properly wake up, the wailing doesn't stop despite the bottles and the walks and the playing and the soothing and eventually the calpol. And the questions don't stop, the same bloody questions every 5 seconds and about the same topics. The same smart arsed answers given to every instruction and the same threats if they aren't done (nothing drastic, but occasionally the dreaded 'no ipad' will come out). The same moans at my other half, the same shit to come back to after the school run- washing, washing up, laundry to fold, nappies to round up and throw in the bin outside. And I feel sick and I'm exhausted and to be honest, I miss my old life. My life before kids, when I could lay in and do the washing when I wanted because it didn't matter so much then. It's not like anyone couldn't go to work/school because their uniform wasn't dry.

And you end up keeping score on these days. Who did the last bottle? Who cleaned up the last poo ? Well I did it three times yesterday so its your turn now!

Fuck these days are hard. Most wonderful days of my life? I think fucking not.

I'm skint, I'm tired, I'm fed up. Really really fed up. I want to cry but I haven't drank anything in a while and if tears start leaking out of my face I might get a headache and I can't deal with that on top of all the rest of it.

And eventually you make your way to the doctors, you've tried everything and it's not working. You arrange an appointment and when asked for a brief description of what the problem is, you reply 'he won't stop crying'. Yes, you just rang the doctor because you have a baby who cries. Go you.

But, you do have a bit of a nagging concern because in the back of your tired, fed up and sad mind, you remember most days aren't like this. Most days are ok. It's not always singing and cookies and rainbows, but most days aren't this bad. So you decide not to over think it, and the doctors a nice enough man so hopefully he won't mind you bringing your screaming child to him for fixing.

And low and behold! Actually, there is a culprit. An ear infection.

Relief. Your not an awful parent. Your child doesn't hate you. The doctor says you did the right thing and if you hadn't tried everything first they wouldn't have been able to prescribe anything anyway.

So you head home, armed with medication. You still can't do fuck all because the baby screams like he's being scolded if you put him down. The washing and laundry and bins remain untouched. You instruct the other half to do what you can from the seat you are in with the poorly infant and resign yourself to the fact it won't be done exactly the way you like it, but it will be done. The child comes home and still has a million questions that you aren't up for answering. You sling them the ipad, give them whatever they ask for and eventually tuck them into bed.

And finally, once the baby is fed and had medication and is sure mummy won't leave him, he closes his eyes. And once the bottles are sterilized, and everything you might need for tonight is prepared, you can too. Close your eyes that is. You can do the housework tomorrow. Priorities, you tell yourself. If you pass out, the infant will cry more.

So you go to sleep. And its not a perfect night, the baby doesn't sleep the entire way through and your other half snores a bit and the child wakes up and tries jumping on his bed again but the sleep you do get is restful.

And in the morning it will be just a little bit better. You will feel just a little bit more human. And some day in the future, maybe even in the next few days, you will have an ok day again, perhaps even a good day.

So just remember that, fellow parents out there. Because some days are just shit, but every day comes to an end. They do not last forever. Tomorrow, as far away as it seems, is a new day. And each day will get better. Babies cannot cry forever. Just remember that.

All My Love

#MummyTrials




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