Saturday, 22 July 2017

Readers Step Parenting Experience

So I've been opening up recently to lots of other step mums about my experiences. One of those yummy mummies has kindly agreed to share her experiences on my blog. Can you relate to any of this? She's a step mum to one young girl who came into her life aged 5 and is now aged 14! So to say she's an experienced step mum is fair, and they have built a strong relationship now, although it wasn't easy....

Lets start with when you first met your Step Daughter. Can you remember it?
Yes I remember meeting my step daughter like it was yesterday! My partner was taking her on holiday for a week to a caravan in Wales. I could only get a long weekend off work so I tagged along for a few days. At this point she didn't know we where together I was just her dads friend!
How did it go?
She was very shy at first but soon come round and started chatting away about how she was looking forward to her holiday. I followed them up in my car and she kept waving to me- first impression was she was very cute and I was really looking forward to getting to know this 5 year old girl who had come into my life very unexpected!
What did you expect from your relationship?
I didn't really know what to expect, not having kids of my own. It was all just as new to me as it was for her....I definitely thought it was going to be a lot easier then it has been through the years tho!
What's been your hardest points?
There have been quite a few hard points throughout the past 8 years. Getting abuse from my step daughters mother constantly for most of our relationship... this has only stopped happening in the past 2 years and I still get it every so often! She stopped my partner from having any communication with his daughter for a whole year, due to the fact he was with me. The guilt I felt over that and how I wanted to walk away so he could see his daughter again was awful. All I could was just be there for him knowing how much he was hurting! Then the fact I had a year all to myself with my partner, going on holidays just the two of us, it made it very hard to adapt excepting this child back into our lives and become a three again. This is where the jealousy started kicking in and having to realise I was always going to come second to this child when I had a year of being number one! I actually split up with my partner for three months due to my jealousy towards his daughter and not communicating my feelings. I wasn't ready to grow up and be a "mother" figure. I wanted some "us time" more often than what I was getting, just one holiday a year just the two of us so we could go drinking stay out late kind of thing without thinking about having to get my step daughter to bed! My worst time was probably when we split up for 3 months. I felt awful walking away and all because I couldn't put my feelings aside. My step daughter was lovely towards me and accepted me into her life quite easily but my jealousy took over unfortunately which ended up me walking away. I tried to prove a point- I didn't want to spend every holiday with my step daughter and decided not to book the time off work but they still went without me which really upset me! How did you get through it? I realised how much I missed them both... Never thought I'd ever say that but it broke my heart being away from them! Thankfully I got a second chance and since that day I haven't looked back. I appreciate every holiday we have together and the time we get to spend with her! I never wanted to replace her real mother but I realised this young girl was looking up to me and learning stuff from me which made so proud! Did you feel guilty for your feelings/what where they? I feel very guilty now for how I used to feel. I used to think how I'd love her to disappear from our lives so we can just be a normal happy couple , but when I think of that now I think what an awful thing to think this poor innocent child that has happily accepted me I want to disown! I used to hate it when my partner would give her a cuddle or tell her that he loves her- the jealousy would kick in and I'd leave the room because I'd be wishing it was me he was giving a cuddle to! He would get school reports or school pictures sent to him and rather than me feeling proud of how well she's doing, I'd be jealous of how proud he was of her! Silly little things that now I think are so stupid, but back then I couldn't control my jealousy and hatred towards the attention I wasn't getting. I'm just so glad I stuck it out even at the hardest of times! My worst time was probably when we split up for 3 months. I felt awful walking away and all because I couldn't put my feelings aside. My step daughter was lovely towards me and accepted me into her life quite easily but my jealousy took over unfortunately which ended up me walking away. I tried to prove a point- I didn't want to spend every holiday with my step daughter and decided not to book the time off work but they still went without me which really upset me!

Do you have a way of managing those feelings now?
I tend to be the one to call her up now and praise her! Being the one to do it first seems to make a difference to me.
How did it effect your relationship with your other half?
We where always arguing all the time over silly things. He would never understand where I was coming from when I told him I wanted time alone with him and to be honest I don't blame him.. I was thinking of myself and being very selfish!
How is your relationship with your step child and partner now?
My relationship with my partner is so much better now. Don't get me wrong the jealousy still strikes now and then over silly things- but I've excepted my step child is part of our family and I seriously wouldn't change her for the world. She makes me so proud every single day and to think I have had a big part in her up bringing makes me feel amazing . It's one of the hardest things in the world excepting someone else's child into your life but if I had to give you one bit of advise it would be stick it out because in the long run its worth every second of the hurting and tears. We get on so well now we are more like friends then step mum & daughter and we get up to lots of mischief. I'm very lucky I got a second chance at proving I could do it and to say I have done it makes me very proud of myself!


#MummyTrials

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